xdragonfreak's Journal

thinking
Im not one to post alot as typing really aggitates the pains in my knuckles and wrist but as i lay down t sleep a lot of thoughts have been going tthrough my head and i feel the need to express them
Firstly, i was feeling rather down in the dumps today. Alot of little things happened with the finally being my cat pissing on my mattress. Anywasy after all these things i was really feeling like shit. ITs been months since i felt so bad. You know what cheered me up? something so simple, 3 hamburgers. I kid you not for some reason eating a lot of burgers just made me feel better. And to top it off i watched clerks 2 for the third time. Whether u like that humour or not, that movie and the first one make so many valid points about life. The one that alwasy hits me is that life isnt about what you do , or how much money you make, its about who you do things with, its about doing the things that make you happy what you want. A lot of the times we pretend to be people were not, so as not to disappoint some random fucking person in our lives and we become miserbale because of that. Sometimes is surprises me to think or say this, but i really like me. I may not be Orlando Bloom in the looks department, i may live in a shitty basement apartment, i may make ends meet with the bare min of money, but you know what? i like who i am and i like my life. And one thing i am working at is stop hiding parts of me from people. If they dont like those parts of me, well its too bad for them, i wont shed any tears. I want people to like me for who i am not for who they think i am. And i have been doing that, little by little, becoming comfortable in the skin i am in. And you know what, ive been feeling so much better since doing that. I havent needed to take anti depressants anymore, ive been trying things (like karaokee) that i would have never done before. Basically it feels like im breaking down this wall i built in front of myself that has stopped me from living. I stil have lapses now and then, but they are fewer and far in between. But if i were to compare myself now and how i was a year ago, the positive changes awould be amazing to look at. Lets take a look at my life right now:

I have a mother that makes me strawberry jam, a father that i look up to alot who i consider ot be my rolemodel, a brother overcoming adversity and a sister who is even greater at finding ways not to work than i was, lol. I have great friends who have been with me through the tough times, and some newer friends as well that also mean the world to me. I have 7 great pets (even though one has a urinating problem:S) I have great co workers and bosses (now if only the customer base would improve, lol) I have a roof over my head, some great luxeries ( such as this computer and my ankle hurting ddr) Im starting my own business doing sometyhing that i love and still i can find time to help those around me durring trying times. All this and im only 22. When i look at where i am right now, i truly am fucking amazed! i may not have some fancy post hihgschool education but i think im doing pretty damn well for myself. Hell i would even say im proud of myself! Yeah Jamie!!!!!!

And when i think about all this, it also dimishnes the bad parts of my life, makes it seem not so bad. My back problems, tendon problems, anxiety feelings and crabby bitchy customers and people, all that stuff. It makes me look at it all from afar and say "fuck all this shit, this is nothing, not gonna let it bother me" And im not going to. I'm going to live my life and enjoy it whereever it takes me.

Im looking over this entry im writting and it occurs to me how stupid i was a few years ago. I was like Dante Hicks. Never wanting to leave my comfort zone, afraid of what others thought, living how i thought others wanted me to live. Boy was i ever a tool, lol I guess i kinda still am a tool, a toll who leaves a heat lamp on the step stool at work causing the rubber to melt away, lol, but thats a different type of tool.
I feel really good wiritting all this out , well with the excepting of the throbbing pain in my wrist, but like a said before, thats too minor to worry about.
Tomorrow(actually today) i have the day off and in the evening i get to hang out with jenny. No rock climbing, but like i said its not about what you do its about who ya do it with. And i m going to end this post before i keep balabbering on, lol.
take care everyone :)

Jamie

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: none

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